GOP Debate Trump

The Unbearable Lightness of Watching the GOP Debate

Eric Garland Political Trends 2 Comments

I watched the whole thing. I was surrounded by strangers and by the end of it we all swapped numbers and hugged and swore we would keep in touch, since nobody would understand how our lives had changed. Nothing would be the same.

For reasons too horrible to even explain, I was dead sober, utterly bereft of Fireball OR freebased NyQuil. There was no hiding, no softening, no pretending – at least not from the inside out. I was abandoned to my wits, my ability to rationalize the assault of words and images and fantastical policy positions and references to penis size. It just happened to us, over us, on us. BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!

I now feel a bond with Megyn Kelly. We’ve both been through so much. She has such a strength, a poise in the face of horror, I found myself all night just wanting to take her away, to embrace her, to tell her it will be OK one day, many years from now. I wanted to give her a fluffy bathrobe and plunk her in front of a fire and hand her cocoa and just let her recover. I hope she lives a full, happy life full of love from now on.

Oh God, the horror…the horror…


John Kasich has now been elected America’s Dad Who Is Sick of This Shit. He threatened to pull the debate over AND NO CHUCK E. CHEESE FOR ANY OF YOU IF THIS BEHAVIOR CONTINUES. He told them to sit their keisters down and be serious already. But it was to no avail. The other 75% of the stage was taken up by Marco Rubio, exhibiting the joy of a man waiting for a colonoscopy, and Ted Cruz, your first spouse’s divorce attorney…

…and The Master.

I don’t think clinical psychology ever envisioned a Godzilla scenario, where instead of nuclear radiation from a fallen asteroid, a malignant narcissist was given the of ego supply of all seven billion people at once and became an unstoppable monster. Psychiatrists never write science-fiction, apparently, which would have been the only way to even conceive of last night’s maelstrom of semi-sanity and raging lunacy.

It started with compensation for dick size and went from there.

The Master was untouchable, unfathomable, inescapable, ethereal, blisteringly fucking nuts. He ate contradictions and shit out bumper sticker slogans. He consumed criticism and expelled tirades that would make fourth-grade mean girls question their own dignity. He referred to the inability to hold a major policy position for 24 hours in a row as the kind of flexibility necessary for business success. He referred to his business failures as business success. He converted a D- rating of Trump University by the Better Business Bureau into an A rating by the Better Business Bureau, and when given direct facts to the contrary, simply re-concluded that he had an A because it must be an A, quod erat demonstrandum, you fuckers.

Marco Rubio spluttered a thing and The Master just called him a little guy and a liar and dared him to knife a bitch. Of course, no shiv was coming.

Ted Cruz tried to get you to TedCruz.ORG not .COM, because just go check it out.

Everybody implicitly called Republican primary voters a bunch of reckless swine ciphers for a Manchurian candidate something something please don’t.

The Master just became larger, swelling, expanding, a gas and a solid, a liquid and a plasma of pure self-regarding divinity, the Alpha and the Omega of the species, the pinnacle of evolution and its end, the explanation for the human race and the conclusion of why it was a dubious idea. And then he got some momentum going.

Crime, which has dropped by 50% since 1990, has become a huge problem under Not Reagan leadership. Kids who graduate from Harvard and Yale and Princeton have to emigrate to Belgium and Sierra Leone, apparently, just to get a job with their stupid degree and the best social connections in the world. Detroit, which became the fourth richest city on the planet just twenty years after FDR’s New Deal collapsed because of left-wing politics, such as during a Reagan and two Bushes.

Mexico will pay for a wall to keep itself out of a place to which its people are emigrating with plummeting frequency because the deal en el Norte isn’t as good as twenty years ago.

Leadership means that the military will do illegal shit like a torture because LEADER SAID SO, which totally doesn’t sound terrifying in the original German.

He said nice things about Vladimir Putin, which means that Putin said something nice about him not the other way around until the video goes up of him saying something nice at which point this is just about that other thing LOOK I’M A LEADER YOU WILL LOVE ME ALSO I LEAD THINGS LOOK FOREIGN POLICY IS ABOUT GETTING ALONG BE QUIET LEADER SHUT UP YOURE A LIAR TEDCRUZ

Everybody who ever argued with a drunk or married someone with a personality disorder shuddered and coughed and watched in mute horror oh my God it’s like Uncle Bob and Aunt Sally Dad shut up that’s not fair to say God honey why can’t you argue fair and give me another bourbon and bourbon hold the soda water oh Jesus I can’t change my hair color or move far enough away to get away from this oh God is this on TV?

The Master didn’t even look tired. He was and is just warming up.

John Kasich told us all he was an adult for the fifth time, which is like arguing with Kindergarteners that you ARE TOO IN CHARGE without actually making a parental decision or putting somebody in actual time out.

Ted Cruz begged for it to stop. Marco Rubio lost his chance to knife a bitch.

The Master’s pulse never went above 64. He was in his element, finally on the level of which he had always dreamed. He’s not trying to win. He is already winning. You lost long ago, unless you serve him, in which case this is heaven. It is the First Year of the Master. We shall burn all the books and celebrate his munificent rule or DIE IN OUR FUTILE RESISTANCE.

Sober and traumatized and ecstatic and ready for transcendence, I…

..oh God…it’s…FULL OF STARS.



*sirens approach from the distance*