boehner resignation

After Boehner, the Deluge

Eric Garland Political Trends Leave a Comment

Après moi, le déluge.” This French expression attributed to Madame de Pompadour translates literally to “after me, the flood,” and is thought to be an 18th century version of, “F**k this, I’m outta here, and y’all can do whatever.” This was the sentiment mic-dropped with great verve by one John Boehner of Ohio on Friday. Reportedly he brought the Magic Pope into the Congress and the Pope asked Boehner to pray for him. Boehner asked the Pope to pray for HIM. And then the Pope asked Boehner to STILL pray for him, and then everybody cried and Boehner talked to his wife and the weight was lifted and now it’s done.

Kids, strap in, because this next year politically is about to get super ultra nuts.

I’ve been consulting my rogues gallery of low-life political animals, corrupt triple-agent intel hustlers, and girl scout troop leaders while in DC. Here’s the forecast on Life After Boehner, The Guy Who Kept the Really Insane Stuff From Coming Up For a Vote.

He’s been our only bulwark between the current shitshow of DC, and complete, utter pandemonium. Next up on the docket is a shutdown or five of the United States government until the Supreme Court and Joe Biden agree to personally round up all the birth control pills so sluts can’t get ahold of them and go sex all the church leaders and then demand Gubmint-financed abortions for fun. That one’s loaded into the chamber.

Also rumored to be ready to be introduced to the floor (but wasn’t before because Boehner was No Fun and also Not Completely Insane): A bill to outlaw homosexuals from working in government.

Also rumored: a bill to shut down the IRS in favor of a “flat tax” which would then throw into chaos every single government economic development initiative (tax credits) and corporate activity (R&D tax credits) and probably every other thing in America that required Funding, but at least we could delete Quicken off our collective laptops to make more room for the new Windows 10 update.

Then, there will be all-out assault on Algebra, followed by a bill to make it illegal to mention the Civil War, followed by naptime.

Boehner tried to hold it back. We have this at the state level – a guy in Missouri keeps trying to pass a bill that would make it illegal to even suggest legislation about guns – jail time for anyone who even discusses it. Louisiana keeps trying to make the Bible the state book. But this hasn’t been on the floor of the *U.S. Congress* where it would make the nation look like we elected a bunch of eleven-year old boys with lighters to run the world’s largest nuclear stockpile.

Boehner, he just can’t hold it back.

Assuming that someone less pragmatic takes a hold of the House – a near certainty – the 2016 election will be filled with witch-shaming and hatecrimes against science, when we’re not reading about bills attempting to arm toddlers in the name of protecting daycares.

Spicy Fritos Corn Chips: CHECK.

300 cases of Boulevard Brewery “Tank 7” 9% Ale: CHECK.

Prozac chopped into snortable lines: CHECK!!!!

Après Boehner, le chaos.