Antonin Scalia, the government, and your butt

Eric Garland Government Trends, Greatest Hits Leave a Comment

About two hours ago I dropped some pharmaceutical-grade LSD and made some magic mushroom tea to go with my Nespresso and English muffins – because I have to write this morning about Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and your butt.

That’s where America is in 2014, for realsies. The Supreme Court has opinions on the role of the government and your hindquarters, and they are ominous, threatening opinions.

Earlier this week, the world was subjected to the words that nobody can un-read or un-hear regarding the CIA’s torture of captives: “rectal rehydration with hummus and pine nuts.” This phrase alone should make everybody who knows the alphabet stop, put their newspaper or reading device down, protest in the streets and demand that everyone involved with this “program” be put in orange jumpsuits. But this is 2014, and the national policy on butts is far from clear.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, in regards to government agents putting hummus in your rear-end, said this week that the Constitution does not specifically forbid torture. Now, I am but a French major and do not hold a juris doctorate, and I thought that the Eighth Amendment against cruel and unusual punishment meant you couldn’t torture people with chick peas in their gastrointestinal tract. Hell, I’m old enough to remember when we invaded Iraq so we could stop Saddam Hussein from torturing people. But anyhow, Scalia thinks torture, including things in your butt, is not only constitutional but also this weird thing he calls “conservative.”

Yet he’s nothing if not consistent. In 2012, Scalia led the way in laying down a major precedent around the government’s right to take your pants off. In 2005, a man named Albert Florence was driving his BMW home in Burlington, NJ when he was pulled over by police. Because he is black, he kept a copy of any tickets he ever had – and proof that he paid them. The police in Burlington claimed that he had an outstanding warrant for a ticket and arrested him. Florence produced proof that he paid the very ticket, but no matter – they took him to jail where he stayed for a week. During that week he was repeatedly strip and body cavity searched – for an infraction he had not committed. Seven years later, when his lawsuit against the city finally made it to the Supreme Court, The Honorable Mr. Small Government Antonin Scalia led the way to establish the essential precedent that OF COURSE the government can get in your butt cheeks over a parking ticket because of a ticket you already paid, because there might be a terrorist somewhere on earth with a nuclear bomb in his keister, obviously!

It’s 2014. We are actual having to debate the role of the government and your butt with people who think that body cavity searches over parking tickets are totally cool but who think that tyranny is what happens when we expand Medicaid.

The LSD is really starting to kick in, so I’m going to have some more Nespresso and start listening to Phish’s “A Picture of Nectar.” I guess you gotta just go on the trip and not resist too much, because we’re all trapped in what feels like a hallucination.