Have I got this right?

Eric Garland Uncategorized 12 Comments

I’m just trying to clarify some of the arguments I’ve been receiving lately around the easy availability of paramilitary light arms for regular Americans.

America is the greatest nation in the world, completely exceptional in the eyes of God, but…

…but it’s also inhabited by violent lunatics who may break into your house at any moment, and more importantly, are liable to impose a tyrannical government regime on you.

It is no use banning paramilitary light arms, because people are violent and will use knives to achieve just as much carnage, but…

…but the population requires assault weapons, because knives will not be powerful enough to overthrow the tyrannical government that is moments away.

We need assault weapons to be able to overthrow our government. The government will be pinponting our locations with satellites, monitoring all phone calls and emails, and attempting to kill revolutionaries using tanks, bombers, helicopters and armored personnel carriers.

But that’s OK, because…

We will use “asymmetrical warfare,” just like they do in Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, where they proved the U.S. Armed Forces are easily defeatable.

But we still have the world’s best military! In no way is anyone suggesting that Iraq and Afghanistan were obviously going to be failures. Even though everyone knows that you can beat the US Army using IEDs.  And we should keep increasing the military’s funding every year.

And a civil war is coming. That I will fight. Along with people. Tyranny. 1776. Revolution! Patriotism! Fight! 

But you can’t. We can’t. I mean, we need to have assault weapons. Slippery slope. Guns don’t kill people. Arm teachers. Give your priest a gun. Don’t take my freedom. Second Amendment is very clear. Stop. Stop it. Now. Stop talking.

Don’t you get it?


I am going to get a cup of tea. It is quiet and rainy in St Louis today. My neighbors are polite and friendly. We have enough to eat. Our government just transferred power to new representatives without bloodshed. It is almost Christmas.

Perhaps I am a fool. Perhaps I am about to be imprisoned by robots taking orders from Nancy Pelosi. My wife is maybe at risk of being made a Handmaiden by FEMA. Maybe Obamacare is just opening the door to being shipped into the fields for a Mao Tse Tung-style Great Leap Forward. Perhaps I’m seconds away from a fascist regime, and I’m impeding the last, best hope of stopping it by questioning the ability of fifty-somethings with small arms to defeat the 123rd Airborne on its home terrain.

Right now, I guess I just don’t understand. America has a lot of real problems, but some people seem utterly fixated on imaginary ones.

I think I’m going to have some Earl Gray tea and think about music.